I’M NOT THAT GIRL…

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii loves??
Maybe I’d regret this or not.  
Sometimes, you’re (I’m) not quite sure if it’s necessary, right, needed, etc to share some things. It’s not the same with every post; for some, the leading or inspiration for the post comes so strongly. For a few others, it’s a little unclear; to post or not to post.
Well, hope you have a good experience listening.

***

For some weeks now, I’ve been telling myself…
I’m not that girl. I’m not that girl. I’m not that person even.
Maybe I haven’t reached the point where I am but right now, I’m not that girl.
For so long, I’ve heard people HONESTLY and JOYFULLY say this that I felt it had to be my version but, I’m not there yet; I don’t know if I’d get there. I don’t know if we all get there, someday.
I’m not the girl who’d tell you, “If I had a chance to go back in time, I don’t think I’d have done anything differently” WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???!!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!!!! I say this with a bit of pain and the great wonder of how I could miss an opportunity to have said, done, been a lot of things, differently. 

In this moment, I can’t go back.I can’t do or undo the past. I’m even told to forget about it but the truth is that; some things, you don’t just forget because they show up everywhere; not them; probably some ripple effects. Some things you don’t just forget; you don’t just let go of.Maybe for a good reason, maybe to keep me from threading some paths I followed, maybe they show up to remind me that the result of fear and my constant feeling of being inadequate would never amount to any good. Maybe they show up to be sure I learned the lesson.
*deep sigh*

***
Today, as I stood with my trolley for more than an hour and concluded over and over that there were no more taxis in this city, I also whispered to the one I love and I’m forever in awe of: “God, maybe someday, I’d actually see everything come together. Maybe someday, I’d understand. The thought that all the struggle, tears, laughter would come together and form something beautiful, makes me chuckle. How can it ever be that I’d see the beauty in some of my pain?

***

God helped me realise a truth. Ah!!! The joy that truth gives me. It actually makes YOU FREE! (I feel like getting up, shouting and giving God this dance, like, you might not just get it. This is what truth does to me!!!)
I could be a pretty “strong” lady and I could go through really ugly moments without you knowing> After a while, when the storms are calm or seem to be taking a rest, for a genuine reason, I would walk you through the path I fought through and you’d wonder how it never showed…
The flaw in my own case is that while the storm raged, I was really, really hurting, drowning and screaming silently…

The truth came to me when I prayed a prayer to God. In that prayer, I told Him: Lord, I don’t want to be that person that stands and say, look, this happened but I was able to put on a brave face and act like nothing was going on. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be the lady who acts out happiness, joy… who tries by herself to be strong. Lord, I want to have true joy. Even when these storms rise, even when it seems like I’m the one at the forefront of a battlefield, Lord, I want to have joy then; even then; even in the midst of it all… I want every expression on my face and every strength I exhibit to be real. Let your joy be my strength.

I don’t know if you go through really rough paths or if stuff troubles you, hurts you and drags you through hell. We could pray together you know. We can kiss goodbye, the pity party we hold in our heads or amongst our friends. We can just drop it: the act, the efforts to be fine, to fix ourselves or the problem. We can drop trying to get better on our own. Drop it at the feet of someone who’d give us rest. At the feet of Jesus…

Dear Lord, I thank you for your love for us that remains no matter what. Thank you for how you love me and the beautiful soul reading or listening to this.
This day, together with this freader, I ask that you give us the truth that would liberate us from what ways us down. Take these things we struggle with. Take even what we think we know of ourselves or our situations and show us the truth according to what you see.
I thank you for I know that as we trust you, we shall experience your rest.
For in Jesus’ Name, we pray. Amen.
***

This would probably be my latest post so far but, I don’t want to give up on my Tuesday or Thursday blog post commitment just yet.
On a day like this where my hours didn’t go as planned, when the rains and traffic didn’t help matters at all, on days like this when I see myself spending the night in the kitchen and having an already occupied weekend, I thought I’d just find something somewhere and put up. Alas! here I am, trying to put out something really important to me…

Much love,
Ruth.

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